


'Cause I'm Still Breathing

by AnAceOfHearts



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Era, Canon-Typical Violence, Episode: s06e11 Ashes to Ashes, Episode: s07e12 The Stranger, F/M, First Kiss, Fix-It, I kinda ignore the whole 'sheidheda brings the stone to the palace' plotline, I kinda just break them up w/o explaining it much lmao sorry but I didnt know how to fit it in, I looked at 7x12 said fuck jroth and then made it blarke, I took it and made it more dramatic and more ~blarke~, Post-Episode: s04e13 Praimfaya, Season/Series 07, The Author Abuses Italics, a l o t of angst at one point, bc that happens, because FUCK THAT, but I only realized that after I wrote it and then I was too lazy to fix it, but like pretty minor and quick, no beta we die like clowns, oh god what do i tag this as, oh no echo or becho hate in this house, oh yeah, oh yeah rated T for swearing bc im too profane not to swear in this, okay the memory from s6 is completely different from canon, one of the two fics I wrote out of complete and total spite at the cw, the Clarke m-cap scene we deserved, the radio calls, very minimal editing sorry but its just s o l o n g
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27534334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnAceOfHearts/pseuds/AnAceOfHearts
Summary: “You’re in an endless desert with a vast purple sky,” the man running the machine (Levitt?) said. “A hand reaches out for your own. Whose is it?”The hologram that put her most private memories on display dinged, dragging her attention from Bellamy. It was one of her radio calls to Bellamy in the first few days after Praimfaya.“Hey, Bellamy,” she started, swinging her legs on the hood of the rover and gazing at the desert sky. “I keep thinking you’re going to come back, you know? Like, I’m just going to wake up one day and I’ll see the rocket coming back down to Earth with all of you inside.” She chuckled softly. “It’s stupid, I know. You guys can’t come back for five years at least, but it doesn’t stop me from dreaming about it, I guess.”~~~Alternatively, the fixit I started writing after rewatching s7 because the radio calls were such a missed opportunity and this is the ending of 7x12 we deserved!!
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, of course its blarke what do yall think of me
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27
Collections: The s7 we all deserved





	'Cause I'm Still Breathing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [changingthefairy_tale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/changingthefairy_tale/gifts), [prophecygurl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/prophecygurl/gifts), [margeaery](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=margeaery).



> I literally started writing this because I watched season 7 again when it came out on Netflix because I promised someone I'd watch it with them and then I started ranting in discord while I watched and ~this~ was born. It wasn't even supposed to be this long but somehow I ended up with the grand total of 11,233 words which makes this the longest fic I've posted here and the longest one I've written in literal _years_ so it's nice to know that the spite that the cw loves to give me can fuel such a long fic.
> 
> For Madison, Leah, and [Melissa](https://margeaery.tumblr.com/) because they listened to all my rewatch ranting and inspired me to write this fic <3
> 
> Thanks to [Snowy_Cas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowy_Cas/pseuds/Snowy_Cas) for telling me to write an outline when I got stuck about halfway through and then reading it afterwards even though you don't even go here because I don't think I would've finished this without you <3
> 
> And as usual, the title is from [Still Breathing](https://open.spotify.com/track/19YmvsVCetCBeVj6O2mljR?si=FQGeUczyR8CMhTDxN-7DtQ) by Green Day because it's the most blarke song I have ever listened to

_They weren’t lying when they said that M-Cap was torture when you fought it,_ Clarke thought. It wasn’t very far into the session (was it?) before she was screaming through a pain that wasn’t actually touching her. She was writhing and trying to keep her mind void of memories but she could feel them pushing against the wall she created in her mind. 

“You’re in an endless desert with a vast purple sky,” the man running the machine (Levitt?) said. “A hand reaches out for your own. Whose is it?”

For all her efforts, the wall she worked so hard on keeping up fell with an unbidden memory of when Bellamy first came back to Earth after Praimfaya and rescued her from the convicts, his hand extending towards her face. She gritted her teeth and tried to push the memory out of her mind; that was not one she was going to give the Disciples. Almost subconsciously, her eyes flickered to Bellamy, who was facing mostly towards the wall, his eyes downcast. 

The hologram that put her most private memories on display _dinged_ , dragging her attention from Bellamy. It was one of her radio calls to Bellamy in the first few days after Praimfaya. 

_“Hey, Bellamy,” she started, swinging her legs on the hood of the rover and gazing at the desert sky. “I keep thinking you’re going to come back, you know? Like, I’m just going to wake up one day and I’ll see the rocket coming back down to Earth with all of you inside.” She chuckled softly. “It’s stupid, I know. You guys can’t come back for five years at least, but it doesn’t stop me from dreaming about it, I guess.”_

The taste of metal filled Clarke’s mouth, and she belatedly realized that she was clenching her jaw so hard against the machine that she drew blood. 

“The neural link is engaged,” Levitt said halfheartedly; if she didn’t know better she would dismiss him as just any other Disciple robot - but she _did_ know better. 

_Shit_. Octavia had warned her about this. Once the neural link was engaged, it was practically impossible to stop memories from flooding the screen. 

The memory in the hologram finished, leaving the sharp pain of M-Cap scraping her brain for more, making her whimper softly at the sudden pain. What made it worth it, though, was Bellamy’s reaction. A wave of hurt mirroring her own splashed on his face; his hands clenched into fists at his side. 

_They’re getting some of my memories whether I like it or not,_ she thought. _Might as well kill two birds with one stone._

Clarke dug through her own memories, searching for the ones that wouldn’t tell the Disciples anything important but would also cause Bellamy pain. It was cruel, she knew, to purposely hurt him, but he had betrayed them, betrayed _her_. Maybe, just _maybe_ , if she could remind him that his true family was her being held prisoner and wasn’t the Disciples or Cadogan, he might come back to them. To _her_.

The flow of memories started, and immediately the sharp pain in her head subsided, and her body slumped against the chair.

 _“God, I don’t even know if you guys can hear this, or if this even still works, or if you guys are—” Clarke shook her head, clearing her brain of even just the_ thought _. “It gives me static when it’s on and I’m not saying anything, so that’s a good sign. I think.” She shook her head. “I should’ve listened to all those times Raven rambled on about this bucket of bolts. But I have faith, you know?”_

 _She took a sharp breath. “So, I don’t know if anyone can hear this, but here I am, hoping that maybe_ anyone _is getting this. Because I’m still breathing, right?”_

Tears were pushing at the edges of her eyes, and she took a breath, and then another to hold them back. Bellamy had his eyes glued to the screen, looking like someone just knocked the wind out of him.

_“So, here I go. If you can hear this, hey from Earth, Bellamy. It’s been three weeks since Praimfaya. My burns have mostly healed by now, and I left Becca’s lab for the first time two days ago and I actually found the rover under a shit-ton of sand.” She let out a soft, disbelieving laugh, running the hand that wasn’t holding the radio over the steering wheel. “Everything’s desert now; the hills, the trees, the ocean, everything as far as I can see. I spent that whole day and most of the next just digging it out, and today I had to clean all the sand out. God, it took forever.”_

She was quiet for a while, and watching it on the hologram made the silence that much worse.

 _“I don’t know what I’m going to do if the entire Earth is like this, Bell. The lab has provisions to keep me going for a long time, but what if they can’t let me into the bunker? Will it all last for five years? What if—” Her voice broke. “What if you guys didn’t make it? Am I going to have to live here for the rest of my life?” She sniffed, letting the tears fall from her face. There wasn’t anyone that she had to be strong for, anyone she had to keep safe before she let herself break down anymore. “Anyway, I’ve packed the rover with enough provisions to make it back to the bunker. Hopefully, at least. And that’s assuming I can even_ find _it.” She stopped herself short. “Positive thoughts, Clarke,” she muttered. “Well, that’s it for today, Bellamy. Say hi to the others for me. Even Echo."_

 _There was a small_ click _as she set the radio back into its holder, and the silence was deafening. She let her head fall against the steering wheel and cried._

The hologram went dark, defaulting back to the diagram of her brain. She could feel Bellamy’s eyes laying heavily on her, but she kept staring straight ahead. She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of meeting his gaze; not yet.

“That’s it?” Cadogan said, almost disgusted with the memory.

Levitt cleared his throat. “It’s not an exact science, my Shepherd. Sometimes, I have to dig through a lot of memories and associations before I find the right one.”

Cadogan gave him a stare that could kill a man from 50 paces, and to his credit, he didn’t flinch.

She let loose the next memory.

_The chunks of concrete that Clarke was carefully removing in an attempt to get to the entrance of the bunker collapsed, almost catching her leg in the process. With a guttural, frustrated scream, threw away the shovel she was using, listening to it clatter against the concrete ruins of the building that had once housed the bunker. “Mom!” She yelled desperately, banging on the concrete with her fists now. “Kane! Indra! Octavia! Miller! Can anybody hear me?”_

_Cradling her now bloodied and bruised fists against her shirt, she gave the ruins one final kick, as if that would cause the blocks of concrete to suddenly disappear. She could feel the tears building up behind her eyelids again, but she made her way back to the rover so she could do one of her now-daily check-ins with Bellamy._

_She settled into her pile of blankets and pillows that had become her bed while she was away from the lab and grabbed the radio._

_“Hey, Bellamy. It’s currently day 25, exactly 1,800 days until you can come home. I made it to the bunker last night after I called you and slept in the rover, because I had to wait until this morning to even try to get in. I woke up bright and early this morning and got my first good look at the state of the bunker. The building that it was built in was completely demolished; it’s only large slabs of broken concrete in a space twice that of the space that the building used to take up. I’ve been at it since I finished my breakfast rations, but nothing I’ve done actually works because the cement won’t stop collapsing.” She sniffled, wiping a tear from her eyes. “I don’t know how I’m going to do it, Bell,” she said softly. If anyone was listening on the other side of the radio, they almost wouldn’t be able to hear her voice. “I have no clue if you all are alive and for all I know, our people in the bunker could be dead, or they could never be able to come out because the ruins are covering the entrance, or…” she let herself trail off. “I wish you were here. The rest of you guys, too. And if you don’t come down at exactly five years to the day, I’ll kill you all myself.” She tried to joke, one last tear falling down her face. “Talk to you tomorrow, Bell.”_

A look over at the current (traitorous) Bellamy told her that he was still watching the hologram, his eyes glued to where the image was, even though it was just the diagram of her brain. He turned his head ever so slightly to glance at her, but he lowered his gaze to the ground as soon as he caught her gaze.

They had locked eyes for a second, but with the tiniest glimpse into his eyes, she could see them full of pain and _emotion_ , something that was missing his gaze when he ordered the soldiers to drag her to M-Cap. And it almost looked like - if she was seeing it correctly - that his eyes were full of tears as well.

It finally dawned on her. _The memories are actually getting to him._ She might’ve stumbled on a way to get her Bellamy back. Another memory swam its way to her consciousness, one that she was _sure_ would get to him at least a little more.

A little _ding_ from the machine told her that it had taken her bait - hook, line, and sinker.

 _She was in her mindspace with Josephine, and she was running at her with her. She reached where Clarke was standing and let loose a powerful right hook, connecting to her face with a loud_ smack _. Josephine recoiled her arm back to hit Clarke once again, but she was faster - lightning fast, she shot her elbow out, catching the other woman in the abdomen, and then drew it back again to hit her in the face. The Prime recoiled, her hand coming up to hold her nose before she charged at her, knocking the air out of Clarke’s lungs and slamming her into the ground. When she tried to get up, Josephine practically sat on her stomach - all 120 pounds of her, at least - and Josephine's hands shot down to grasp her throat, cutting off almost all of her air._

_Clarke started hitting the arms grasping her throat in an attempt to dislodge them enough to get a good breath of air, but there was no hope. Josephine had too good of a hold on her, and she was already getting weaker and weaker from the lack of air._

_Maybe it was her quickly depleting oxygen, but she could hear this beeping sound somewhere off in the distance, and it was annoyingly familiar. Whenever she got the faint wisp of familiarity, it disappeared as soon as she tried to grab it. It took her oxygen-depleted brain a minute to finally grasp it, and the realization knocked what little breath she still had out of her. It was an EKG, and the beeping sound was someone’s heart rate, a rapid heartbeat she would always hear when patients aboard the Ark started to flatline while she was working in the MedBay._

_Before she could even work out what it meant or whose heartbeat it was, the rapid beeping turned into the long drone of the flatline noise. She could feel her vision going dark, and her brain moving slower and slower._

_If she could, she would’ve scoffed. Of course her own subconscious would make her hear her own heart flatlining, after all of those she couldn't save as a doctor and those she killed as a leader._ Is this really how I die? _She wondered. But before she could answer her own question, a voice joined the noise of the EKG._

_“Clarke! No!” The voice, strained and panicked, cried faintly from the depths of her mindspace. “Come on, Clarke! Fight!”_

My subconscious is really going for that irony, huh _, was the thought shot through her mind as she realized that the voice her own brain had conjured was Bellamy’s._ The Heart keeping the Head’s heart beating.

My mindspace, my rules _, she remembered, and she would’ve spat that at Josephine if she could breathe. She stopped futilely trying to bat Josephine’s arms off her throat, and instead, she extended her left arm and conjured an axe from the depths of her mindspace._

_She swung the handle at the Prime’s head, making contact with what would’ve been a sickening thump if the other woman wasn’t literally strangling her at the moment. Her head snapped back sharply, the force finally tearing her arms away from Clarke’s throat._

_She gasped in a breath, slightly woozy from the sudden inflow of oxygen after none for so long, but kicked Josephine off with her legs nonetheless and rolled out of her grasp, standing and stumbling away from her assailant._

_“Smart, Clarke,” Josephine sneered. “It took you much longer than I thought it would, with everyone gushing about how smart you are, but you did it. What next? You obviously can’t outrun or outfight me, not in your condition. You’re just delaying the inevitable. Give_ up _, blondie.”_

_Her grip on the axe faltered slightly. She was right; she was no match for Josephine, especially not right now. If she ran, she was just stalling until they both died. If she fought, she would easily lose. Her grip faltered more on the axe, and it almost slipped out of her grasp, when—_

_“Come_ on _, Clarke!” Her subconscious supplied Bellamy’s voice once more. “I’m not giving up on you! You’re a fighter, now_ fight _!”_

_Bellamy - even the Bellamy that her subconscious created - was right. She needed to get back to her people and she would fight until her last breath._

_The flatline noise that had provided a soundtrack to their whole fight suddenly stopped, starting up slowly and tentatively._

_She slipped one hand behind her back as Josephine slowly advanced towards her, confident that she was just going to give up and die, and Clarke conjured the same gun she’d used several times before._

_“You’re wrong,” she said, her hand shooting out from behind her back and levelling the gun squarely at Josephine’s head, and she stopped dead in her tracks. “Like you said, fighting is who I am.” She pulled the trigger, and almost immediately her eyes fluttered open in the real world._

_Bellamy was standing over her with his hands still on her chest, looking absolutely wrecked, his eyes full of tears and others falling down his face._

_“So, you’re the one who kept my heart beating,” she said softly, a small smile painting her face._

_He huffed a small laugh and pulled her into his arms. “Clarke.”_

_“The Head and the Heart,” she breathed out._

_“The Head and the Heart,” he whispered back._

If she wasn’t so focused on keeping her face neutral to act like she wasn’t using her memories to manipulate Bellamy ( _God, it sounds mental when I phrase it like that,_ she thought absentmindedly), she would’ve smiled bittersweetly. That was one of the few times that she really wanted to kiss him, one of the few times she really wanted to just grab his head and tell him that she loved him. She had, one time, on a radio call, but—

The M-Cap machine dinged.

 _No, no, no,_ she panicked. _That’s not for_ you _._

_“Hey, Bell.” She started the call like every other. She’d taken to just calling him “Bell” around month three of the calls - there was no point in using his full name if no one was around to hear her. “It’s been 913 days since Praimfaya; exactly at the halfway mark before you can come back home.”_

Clarke gritted her teeth, the pain from when she wouldn’t let them at her memories coming back quicker and more intense than before. “ _No_ ,” she muttered through her gritted teeth.

 _“It’s lonely down here. I mean, it’s not like I’m_ alone _, to be fair. I have—”_

Somehow, from sheer force of will, the memory on the holoscreen flickered in and out like a spotty radio connection - damn the irony. She wasn’t going to let them have the chance to torture Madi like they were torturing her.

“What was that?” Cadogan snapped at Levitt.

“I - I’m not sure, my Shepherd.” Uncertainty was coloring his tone, and all of her experience with leadership told her that he wasn’t exactly being truthful. “It might just be that she forgot this part of the memory.”

She sent a silent _thank you_ to Octavia for getting Levitt on their side. She didn’t know what she would do if they found out about Madi.

_“—of course. But it’s different, you know? Yeah, you’d understand, practically raising Octavia and all. Something about being completely alone with no one except your child is different, especially with your family being so close but so far away.” She sniffed, wiping the tears away from her eyes. “Please just come down as soon as the clock strikes midnight on that day, okay? I want you back. I want you all back.” From her perch on top of the rover’s hood, she could hear Madi rustling in the back, getting ready for the day._

_“Well, it looks like I’m signing off now. But just one more thing, Bell.”_

In the chair in M-Cap, Clarke started struggling in her chair, and she could feel the restraints digging into her wrists. Something started to trickle down her hands, and she didn’t doubt it was blood. She felt the restraints digging into her ankles as well, even through her thick pants. She was _not_ going to let them take this from her, M-Cap be damned. The pain and pressure were building in her head, and she arched her back trying not to yell out in pain.

“My Shepherd,” she heard Bellamy start, and his voice was rough. He cleared his throat and tried again. “My Shepherd, I think we should stop. The machine is hurting her, and she’s the Key. We need her.”

Cadogan looked over at him like a father would look at his child asking why people do bad things. “In my experience, people who fight the machine this hard have something to hide. Your sister and Charmaine Diyoza, for example.”

Bellamy looked torn, from what she could tell in the haze of pain and the struggle of fighting against the M-Cap.

But Cadogan’s mention of Octavia had shaken a piece of advice she’d whispered to her before Bellamy had her dragged off to M-Cap loose in her brain.

_“There’s two ways to fight M-Cap: pain and repeating a phrase over and over again.”_

_“It’s shocking that it’s taken me this long to say it, Bell.”_ The Clarke from Praimfaya said on the holoscreen. “No, no, no, nonono,” she muttered weakly. What was a phrase she could repeat over and over?

_She let out a small, breathy laugh. “God, okay, I’m just going to say it. Get it out in the world, even though the world’s empty.”_

The phrase finally came to her pain addled brain - _just in time_. “I’m still breathing. I’m still breathing. I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing,” she muttered, repeating it over and over, just like Octavia said.

_“Well, here it goes. Bellamy whatever-your-middle-name-is Blake, I—”_

The holoscreen fritzed out again, this time going to the diagram of her brain, and then completely black.

If she wasn’t so focused on repeating her phrase, she would’ve cried in relief. If there was one thing she wouldn’t let Cadogan take from her, it was that. 

“It seems as if we’ve lost connection,” Levitt said softly. His gaze was fixed at his console and his voice was remorseful, but his face held a hint of pride.

From her view in the chair, Cadogan looked livid at the thought of losing the connection. “What do you mean, _you lost the connection_?”

Levitt looked anywhere but Cadogan’s face. “I mean, she figured out a way to sever the connection, my Shepherd. It’s not common, but sometimes a very strong-willed subject can manage it.”

Bellamy’s face, however, was harder to read. When the memory was still playing on the screen, his eyes were glued to it, his face somehow a mix of guilt, confusion, and sorrow all at once. But when Levitt said how she managed to sever the connection, his mouth quirked up into what was almost a proud, knowing smile before he smoothed his face out into the trademark Disciple neutrality. As his friend for about seven years (132, if you counted the time they were in cryo), though, she could still detect the hint of the confusion in his face and how lost he looked.

“Then increase the frequency,” Cadogan snapped, and she saw Bellamy jerk back into reality - the reality where he was letting some 21st-century cult leader _torture_ her.

“I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing,” she continued to mutter. It was hard to keep track, with the pain and focusing on her phrase _and_ watching the three men, but her voice must’ve gotten louder because Bellamy flinched ever so slightly. _Good_. One more thing to remind him of how much of a mistake he was making.

Levitt’s mouth dropped open into a little “o”. “Sir, if we increased it too much more with her fighting this much, it could kill her or worse, damage her temporal lobe and corrupt her memories.” She felt a little jolt of annoyance at that, but she knew that Levitt was just telling Cadogan what he wanted to hear. Well, she _hoped_.

Cadogan opened his mouth as if to order him to increase the frequency anyway, but Bellamy spoke first.

“Excuse me, my Shepherd, but may I add something?” She couldn’t read his face at all anymore, except for it was the same expression he made when he had to give bad news when they used to co-lead the Arkadians. _God, that was so long ago_.

A glance and a small nod from the cult leader spurred him on. “I know her, sir. She’s already cooperated a little bit, and if you show some mercy now and give me some time to talk to her and give her some _motivation_ —” she saw him cringe for a microsecond and rage flooded her at that thought. _I didn’t do all this just for him to torture me_ himself _,_ she thought— “I think—I know I can get her to cooperate and get you the information you need.” Infuriatingly, he kept his face neutral, even still.

Cadogan put a hand on his chin, stroking his beard like some cliche villain from the old movies Clarke and her parents used to watch on the Ark. “Alright. I believe in you, Disciple Blake.” Bellamy’s face minutely relaxed in relief, and she felt the same. She didn’t know how much longer she could keep Levitt out. “But if you disappoint me, we will have to move to some more _unsavoury_ measures. Do you understand me?”

His throat bobbed, as if he didn’t want to find out what the _cult leader_ considered as “unsavoury measures.” Truth be told, neither did she.

Nevertheless, he gave him a curt nod. “I understand, sir.”

Cadogan smiled, pressing his hands together. “I’m glad we’re in agreement. Take her back to her cell and get to work. I want results by the morning.”

“Yes, sir.” Bellamy said quickly. “I won’t let you down, I promise.”

The machine whirred softly and the stabbing pain in her temple quickly subsided. Even though she _knew_ that meant that it was off and couldn’t take her memories anymore, she kept chanting. Honestly, she wasn’t sure if she could stop.

The doors slid open and Cadogan left, with Levitt close behind. She saw him throw one last glance behind him at her, concern clear on his face.

It was only when the doors fully shut when Bellamy unfroze, quickly abandoning his stiff posture and his neutral expression. He rushed over to her, and she could almost see _her_ Bellamy again, the one with an obsessively clean-shaven face and short, dark curls who was always by her side.

Once he reached her, she heard him immediately unclasp her restraints, releasing her arms and legs, and pulled the weird tech-y cap off her head. Still, she refused to move; it felt like she was in a trance of some kind.

“ _Clarke_.” Bellamy had finished undoing all of her restraints and was leaning over her now, his eyes nearly overflowing with tears and pain evident in his face as well as his voice.

“I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing.” She heard herself still mumbling. She couldn’t stop anymore, she found, not even if she tried.

He put a hand on her arm. “Clarke, you can stop now. You’re safe, I promise.” The tears were overflowing past his eyes and down his cheeks now, and she felt a few drip onto her arms, grounding her to reality.

 _Cadogan’s gone, the machine is off, and Bellamy’s here,_ she told herself, and she finally got herself to stop.

“Shit, Clarke, I’m so sorry,” Bellamy said when she finally stopped muttering. She tried to get up on her own, but the room spun around her and her knees buckled; he grabbed her arm and helped her up. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I don’t deserve it.” When he finally got her up, he was practically carrying her with the amount of weight she put on him.

“What happened?” Her voice was raspy, but he was too close to not hear her.

His voice was gentle when he answered. “What do you mean?”

She cleared her throat, not like it did much. “Wherever the Anomaly sent you. What happened to you that made you betray me—betray all of us like that?”

He was silent while he scanned his eye to open the door. “I was stuck on Etherea - that’s what they call the planet - for months. I— I don’t even know how long, because I lost track about two months in. The Anomaly dropped us in this forest and Doucette - the Disciple with me - tried to kill me. I ended up breaking his leg, and then I stayed with him to make sure he healed right.”

Clarke scoffed lightly - not unkindly, though, she hoped. “Of course you did.”

Bellamy smiled softly. “While he was sleeping, in the beginning, I figured out that the entrance back into the Anomaly was on top of this giant mountain, and there was this one cliff face that was impossible to climb on my own. I needed him. So when he finally healed and we started our journey, this blizzard blocked our way. I tried to keep going but I failed, and he saved my life. We were stuck in this cave for _months_ , and every day Doucette prayed. One day, he convinced me to join him and I saw my mom near these beings of light, and when I woke up, the blizzard had passed.” He moved his eyes away from his gaze and towards the ground. “I don’t know what I was thinking, just suddenly starting to believe in the religion of a cult leader, of all people. I guess I just needed everything to make sense so badly that Cadogan just got to me.” Bellamy stopped in the middle of the hall and looked her dead in the eyes again. “I’m really sorry, Clarke, I am. Please believe me.”

Words were waiting to spill out all over the two of them but her mouth was dry. “I believe you.” 

She could practically _see_ something break in Bellamy, and he looked more vulnerable than she had ever seen him - which was saying something. “You do?”

“The torture was _not_ appreciated, obviously, but you did the right thing in the end and you’re trying to fix it now, so I believe you.” She narrowed her eyes at him mostly teasingly. “You _are_ trying to fix this shit storm you created, right?”

He let out a watery laugh. “Damn right I am.”

She turned her head in the direction of her cell. “Well, time to make good on that. You have an escape to plan and friends to release from their cells.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Adjusting his grip around her shoulder, they started walking again, this time with more purpose and less baggage.

[|87~[|87~[|87~[|87~[|87

Clarke watched as Bellamy scanned his eye to open the door to her and Octavia’s cell while still trying to hold her up subtly. The doors whooshed open, revealing Octavia laying on her bed and throwing something that looked like her boot up and then catching it. But when she saw Bellamy and Clarke at the door, she was up in a flash, the object left forgotten on her bed. She practically snatched Clarke from Bellamy’s grip, somehow looking over her with concern and throwing her brother a look that was colder than Nakara.

A look at Octavia’s feet told her that she was, in fact, throwing her boot earlier. She fought to keep the small smile that was threatening to spread all across her face back.

Octavia looked her over in concern, momentarily pausing at the deep bruises and shallow cuts on her wrists. “Are you alalrightright, Clarke?” She said softly, and Clarke just nodded softly, not trusting herself to speak.

Somehow, while still holding Clarke up with one arm, she whipped back towards Bellamy. Clarke watched as the gentle, concerned look melted from her face, the steely stare immediately hardening on her face once more.

“Octavia,” Bellamy breathed, his voice soft and his eyes full of tears.

She didn’t even look phased, using her free arm to shove him most of the way out of the door. “Well, it looks like you didn’t get what you came here for, _Disciple Blake_.” The way she spat out the words, Clarke would’ve thought they were a death threat. “Why are you still here? Do you have more best friends to torture?”

Bellamy recoiled back, a tear streaking down his face. “O, you don’t understand—”

In a split second, Clarke knew exactly what was going to happen next, but she didn’t move to stop it. 

She watched as Octavia’s fist shot out from her side and connected with the side of her brother’s face. “Only my _brother_ gets to call me O. According to you Disciples, loving your family is ‘selfish love’. You only get one or the other, Blake.”

A fleeting thought flew through her brain. _Did you not have enough time to stop her or are you just trying to punish him?_

Octavia moved forward again to push him all the way out the door, but Clarke put a hand on her shoulder. “Octavia, stop,” She said gently, and Octavia froze. “Hear him out. He probably saved my life back there.” 

Most - definitely not all, not by a long shot - of the tension visibly drained from Octavia’s body. Her hand shot out again towards Bellamy, but this time, she yanked him into the cell instead of forcing him out. “ _Explain_ , Bellamy.”

[|87~[|87~[|87~[|87~[|87

“So your whole plan is to just waltz into all the cells and bring them into the Stone Room and just _hope_ that nobody realizes that you just _stole_ nine prisoners from lockup?” Said Octavia incredulously.

Bellamy only responded with a half shrug. “The Shepherd—Cadogan gave me until morning to convince Clarke to cooperate. By that time we’ll be long gone and back on Sanctum with the rest of our people. Hopefully,” He added quietly, as if it would make it any less a reality.

Octavia threw her hands up in the air. “ _Hopefully_.”

“It’s either that, or watch Cadogan take us all to M-Cap one by one and kill us to try to find out where the Flame is,” Clarke added helpfully, earning herself a glare from Octavia.

“You can’t even _stand_ , Clarke.” Octavia bit back.

She pulled a face and tried to stand up from her sitting position on one of the cell beds. Immediately, the world spun around her and her legs buckled. Before she collapsed onto the bed, strong hands stopped her fall and steadied her on her feet. “Thanks, Bell,” she muttered.

“Okay, fine, I really _can’t_ walk. But you can hold me up while Bellamy takes us to the Stone Room like we’re his prisoners and leave us there while he gets everyone else. Less walking, less people, less suspicion. Yeah?” Bellamy nodded in agreement and Octavia reluctantly did as well. 

She clapped her hands together. “Perfect. Now, where’s the Stone Room?”

[|87~[|87~[|87~[|87~[|87

Clarke kicked the wall that was partially supporting her - it was only lightly, but the jarring sensation still caused her head to swim. “I should be helping him,” she grumbled.

Octavia stopped pacing long enough to scoff not unkindly at her. “If you can stand up without my help or leaning against the wall, I’ll let you go. Hell, I’ll even come with you.”

She glared at her; they both knew damn well that she couldn’t. But she tried anyway. She managed to take two steps before she had to stop and cover her eyes with her hands to protect them from the spinning world around her. 

“Woah, Clarke,” she heard Octavia’s voice from somewhere behind her, and the supportive hands on her shoulders made her realize that she was the unsteady one, not the room. “I got you.”

Thankfully, Octavia didn’t let her go until she was fully on the ground, sliding down to the ground herself and resting her arm over Clarke’s shoulder. “He’ll be okay, you know? They trust him now, and he’ll have two of our people to protect him on his way back to us.”

Almost as soon as she finished saying those words, the door whooshed open again. Octavia jumped up and moved in front of Clarke, pulling out the gun that Bellamy had given her and pointing it at the people outside the door.

The seconds between when the door opened and when the people on the other side walked through were agonizingly long from her position on the floor. Finally, Hope and Jordan made it through with Bellamy right behind them and all three stopped immediately at the sight of Octavia’s gun. 

“Hope!” Octavia said, dropping the arm that was holding her gun immediately. She practically ran at Hope and hugged her tightly. From her place on the floor, Clarke could see tears shining in Hope’s eyes.

Bellamy rushed over to her, too, and crouched next to her. Without even thinking, she launched at him, nearly knocking him over, and wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in the crook of his neck. 

He laughed lightly, wrapping his arms around her, in turn, although his grip was feather-light and gentle compared to her grasp on him. “You were worried, huh?”

The very un-Bellamy-like smell was only an unfriendly reminder of his double double (triple?) cross, but her worry for him trumped that.

Her voice was so quiet she could barely hear herself. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

“I’m right here, Clarke,” he said, his voice the same volume. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

They clung to each other for a few more seconds before Bellamy started to slowly pull away from her. Instinctually, she tightened her grasp on him, and he stopped for a moment. 

“I have to go,” he said, looking dead into her eyes. “But I’ll be fine, alright? And then we can get the hell out of here.”

Selfishly, she held onto him for a few moments more before finally releasing him from her grasp. He got up and walked towards the door, his gaze not leaving hers once before he reached the door. Then, all the emotion dropped from his face as he put on his Disciple facade once more.

Jordan, who was just standing by the door, walked over to her when he realized that she wasn’t going to stand up. “Are you okay?” He offered his hand to help her stand up.

She tried for what she thought was a good estimate of a grateful smile. “I'm okay, Jordan. Thanks.” When she didn’t accept his proffered hand, he pulled it back and sat down next to her. 

Before he could ask her any more questions, Hope looked over at her from where she was still holding on to Octavia with tears in her eyes. “What’s going on?"

Her smile turned more genuine. “Bellamy’s back with us now. He broke me and Octavia out and now we’re making our escape.” _Only after he tortured you,_ the bitter part of her brain supplied, but she ignored it.

Jordan was smiling now, too. “That’s great!”

“They’re just going to keep coming after us,” she said, crossing her arms. 

The idea that had been churning in her head since Bellamy had broken her and Octavia out started to take some shape. “I have a plan.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Hope drew out the word snarkily. “Care to share?”

“ _Hope_ ,” Octavia tried, putting her hand on her shoulder. “I trust Clarke. She’s saved my ass, all of our asses, more than once. Just hear her out.”

She moved to stand, and Jordan immediately moved to help her up. Thankfully, she could stand now with only a little bit of dizziness. She motioned for Octavia to join her, and they walked over to the Stone. “I’m going to need your help.”

She explained her plan, and Octavia nodded along. “Do you think this could work?”

Octavia looked at her with a smirk that reminded her of Bellamy’s. “Definitely.”

The door to the Stone Room whooshed open again, and Octavia whipped her gun out and moved in front of her once more. The sight of Raven and Echo with Bellamy close behind caused her to drop it just as quickly.

“Everyone still okay?” Bellamy said. He looked over at all of them, but Clarke felt like his gaze fell on her a little bit longer than the others. She saw his face relax a little bit at the sight of Clarke standing. _He’s probably just happy no one’s dead yet,_ her brain said.

 _Shut up,_ she told it.

Octavia passed Clarke the gun and made her way towards her brother. 

“We’re fine,” Clarke said.

She watched as Octavia told him their plan. Predictably, he was against Octavia putting herself into danger, but he quickly crumbled when Octavia kept pushing.

Once the doors finally slid shut again, she walked over to Echo and gave her the gun.

“What is she doing?” Asked Echo.

She decided on the simple explanation. “She’s going to get Levitt and grab some explosives so we can blow up the Stone here so that the Disciples can’t attack anyone ever again.”

[|87~[|87~[|87~[|87~[|87

“This is never going to work,” Echo muttered, for what Clarke thought must’ve been the thousandth time.

Clarke threw her hands up in the air. “Hope was right, they’re not going to stop looking for us. This way, we either destroy the Anomaly or we damage the Stone Room enough so that we can buy ourselves enough time to make a better plan.”

“Echo,” Hope said, “this is our best chance. We take their Stone out here and they can’t hurt us anymore. They can’t go anywhere without the Anomaly.”

She saw Echo shoot back something too quiet for her to hear and Hope pulled her into a corner.

Raven walked over to her, Miller trailing a little bit behind. “How certain are you that this is going to work?” Raven asked quietly. “I trust you, Clarke, you know I do, but what if this doesn’t work? What if we just piss them off more and they just come to Sanctum and kill us all?” Miller just made a noise in agreement.

“It’ll work.” She hoped that her voice sounded more confident than she thought it did. “It has to.”

“Okay,” said Miller simply. “I trust you.”

Before she had the chance to respond, the door slid open to admit Octavia and Levitt, who were both carrying several guns and various things that she hoped were for the bomb. 

“Did you have any problems?” She asked, moving away from Raven and Miller.

Octavia shook her head. “None. You?” 

She shook her head, too, and turned back to Raven. “Can you help them set up the bomb?”

“On it.”

The sound of dozens of pairs of pounding feet started reverberating through the Stone Room, starting out soft and quickly getting louder and louder. 

“ _Shit_ ,” she muttered, and then she raised her voice. “Get ready!”

She grabbed the guns that Levitt and Octavia brought from the pile one by one and started passing them to the rest of her friends, each focusing their gun on the door as soon as they caught it.

 _Where are you, Bell?_ Her brain was practically screaming. _If he doesn’t get here before the Disciples…_ She took a deep breath, trying to control her panic. She refused to lose him, not again, but she had to focus on protecting Raven, Octavia, and Levitt before she could even _think_ about the possibility of losing him again.

“Eyes sharp!” She called again. _Bellamy used to say that._ She shook her head to clear the thought. _No, he_ does _. He’s okay, he’ll be all right._ She repeated that in her brain over and over, trying to get herself to believe it.

The sound of the footsteps was thunderous; she couldn’t remember the last time she heard a noise that loud. When the doors slid open one final time, the noise grew by tenfold, from thundering to deafening.

But instead of the Disciples, Gabriel, Niylah, and Miller stumbled through; Bellamy right behind them. The doors closed again, leaving a ringing noise in her ears.

All the tension left her body in a rush, leaving her feeling breathless. _He’s back. He’s safe._

Bellamy went straight for her while the others moved behind their wall of guns. “Did they see you?” She asked when he reached her side.

His eyes left hers for the first time since they rushed in. “Yeah. I was getting Gabriel when a Disciple saw us and raised the alarm. I’m sorry, Clarke.”

“It’s okay, Bellamy. We’re pretty much ready to make our exit anyway.” She looked over to where Levitt was mostly just watching Octavia and Raven assemble the device in awe. “Levitt, there are glasses that show you the code to the Anomaly, right?” He’d barely nodded before she started talking again. “Get those.” A thought shot through her brain, like a light suddenly shooting through the night. “Can you lock the other Disciples out of the room?”

Understanding dawned on his face. “Yes. Well, temporarily, at least. The Shepherd has the override code.”

“Do it.”

While Levitt made a mad dash for where she assumed was the place they kept the special glasses, she turned to Bellamy.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” she told him, her voice soft. She wanted to hug him tight and never let go, but she resigned to just putting a hand on his shoulder.

He just smirked at her in that arrogant way of his. “Did you ever doubt me?”

“No.” It wasn’t a lie. They just stood there for what could’ve been seconds or hours, smiling softly at each other.

“Clarke!” Niylah grabbed her attention and passed her the Anomaly glasses.

“Is the bomb ready?” She shot at Raven, who nodded. “Good. Octavia, open the portal to Sanctum. Raven, set it to blow once the Anomaly closes again.” When they both gave her another curt nod, she tossed the glasses to Octavia.

The wall of guns separating them from the door opened slightly to let Levitt through. “It’s done.”

The footsteps stopped abruptly, leaving them with a silence that was somehow more deafening than the noise itself, but it was quickly broken by a sudden _bang_ on the door.

“Weapons hot!” Bellamy yelled. “They’re ready for us.”

The sound of the Anomaly opening filled the room, steadily growing louder and louder. 

“Let’s go!” She yelled. Octavia was the first through, holding Levitt’s hand as she disappeared into the swirling green portal; Gabriel and Jordan followed close behind. After they went through, though, no one followed them. “I mean everyone!” She yelled again. Miller broke off first, disappearing through the portal without a word, and the others followed suit, one by one, until it was just her, Bellamy, and Raven left. Just them three, a horde of angry Disciples, the Anomaly, and a gun. And the bomb, of course.

As if they could hear her thoughts, the loud banging noises on the door suddenly ceased, causing her breath to catch and her thoughts to turn panicked.

“Raven, get out of here.” Her voice was quiet and slightly raspy, but her throat felt raw from having to yell over both the Anomaly and the Disciples.

“Not without you.” _Damnit, Raven._

She turned her head to spare a glance at her - very stubborn - friend. “ _Now_ , Raven. We’ll be right behind you.”

Raven shot them an uncertain glance but walked through the portal nonetheless. True to her word, she and Bellamy started walking towards the portal cautiously, the point of Bellamy’s gun never leaving the door. Right after she saw the last of Raven disappear, the door opened one last time; rumbling slightly instead of sliding open silently from the abuse it sustained at the hands of the Disciples. Her head snapped around to a sight that made her want to scream.

Cadogan strode through, Anders at his heels.

Bellamy trained his gun directly at Cadogan’s head and shifted minutely so he was positioned between her and the Disciples; she could only hope that Cadogan hadn’t noticed like she did. From her slightly blocked viewpoint, she could see Cadogan shake his head disappointedly, though his face was completely blank. He hadn’t even flinched at the barrel of a gun directed at his face.

“Bellamy,” Cadogan drawled, “I’m disappointed. I really thought you had the stuff to be my next First Disciple.” She didn’t know what that meant, but she saw Bellamy’s back tense at the words.

“I don’t care.” Despite what were probably Bellamy’s best efforts, she could still the forced, clipped tone in his voice. 

Cadogan scoffed. “So you went crawling back to your friends, your selfish love, huh?” He paused for a moment. “If you really cared about them, about doing _better_ , you never would have let them out, Bellamy. When we say ‘for all mankind,’ _we_ mean everybody, believers or not. But you? Your actions only benefit _your_ people and harm everyone else. But you only care about _your_ people, _your_ loved ones, everyone else be damned.”

She could hear Bellamy’s voice catch in his throat. “You’re wrong.” It was as if something was cracking inside him because his voice came out rough and broken. Without thinking about it too much, she laid a soft hand on his shoulder. Maybe it was just her imagination, but she could’ve sworn his back untensed slightly at her touch. “We don’t want to hurt anyone. Let us go through the portal and you won’t have to see any one of us again.”

If she didn’t know any better, she’d say that Bellamy had finally struck a nerve in Cadogan from the look on the cult leader’s face. But she did know better, she knew it was all an act.

When he spoke, his voice was somehow gentle, yet he sounded like he was explaining something obvious to a young child. “ _Bellamy_. We’re never going to let you go; not without the Key. I’ve let you live so far because I thought you were different, I thought you were selfless enough to be one of my trusted Disciples. Now that you’ve let me down, I don’t need you anymore.”

Clarke’s lungs simply stopped. She couldn’t remember how to breathe in, how to breathe out. All of the thoughts slamming through her head were focused on the fact that she was going to lose her best friend yet _again_. _No, no, no, nonononono—_

Acting on impulse, she side-stepped out from behind Bellamy, raising her hands in surrender. “You can have me,” she said firmly.

“Clarke, _no_.” Bellamy breathed out from behind her.

Something that could be misconstrued as genuine shock flashed on Cadogan’s face before he quickly composed himself once more. “Oh?”

“I’ll cooperate fully. I’ll tell you whatever you want. My only condition is that you let Bellamy go through the portal; unharmed. You’ll never harm another person from Sanctum ever again.”

Cadogan scoffed. “You’re in no place to negotiate. Either you cooperate right now, or I have my Disciples shoot Bellamy Blake and you’ll be right back in M-Cap, with no friends to help you. And then, once you give me what I want, I will start the Last War and save _all_ of mankind.”

His words only emboldened her. “You so much as harm anyone from Sanctum, and you might as well kill me now. Because I will _never_ give you what you want, even if that means I’ll die.” 

“ _Clarke_ ,” Bellamy said again from behind her, his voice louder and firmer. She put her hand up behind her in what she hoped was a subtle “stop” gesture.

Judging from Cadogan’s smirk, it wasn’t. “Do we have a deal?” She said forcefully.

The smirk on his face grew a little bit more, and he steepled his hands together like some cliché 21st-century movie villain. “You have my word.”

It was hard to describe the emotions that flowed through her. Relief, because Bellamy, Madi, and her friends were going to be safe; Dread, because she knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as that portal closed, but also a quiet acceptance.

She turned to Bellamy to get him to leave, ready to shove him through the Anomaly if he acted like the stubborn hero she knew. “Bellamy—” 

He didn’t even let her finish. “ _No_ , Clarke.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “If you don’t go through now, you’re going to get killed. The Anomaly won’t stay open forever.”

“Go, Bell, dammit. I’m trying to save your stubborn ass.”

He just crossed his arms. “By killing yourself? What about Sanctum? What about Madi?”

She could feel the tears prickling at her eyes and she gritted her teeth. “ _Goddammit_ , Bellamy. Can you not follow orders for _once_ in your life?”

“You know I can’t, Princess.” The arrogant asshole was smirking. She could see past his façade - she always could - to the tears that were pushing at his eyes as well, but he was pissing her off. _I am trying to save your life!_ She wanted to scream at him. “And I’m sorry,” he said softly, almost too soft for her to hear.

“Bell, wh—” He didn’t even let her finish her sentence before he shoved her through the swirling green portal of the Anomaly. The last thing she saw as the green took over her entire vision was Bellamy smiling softly at her and Cadogan looking furious, the Disciples’ guns behind him snapping to attention.

She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry, she wanted to grab him by his collar and yell at him _Why would you do that, you idiot?_ She couldn’t do any of that, though; shock paralyzed her until she was thrown out of the portal and onto her ass on the cave floor that housed Sanctum’s Anomaly stone.

“Clarke!” Someone exclaimed behind her. She didn’t know who it was - her brain was nothing except _Bellamy, Bellamy, Bellamy_. Hands pulled at her shoulders and pulled her up to a standing position and held her there. A good thing, that, because she had a strong feeling that if any of the hands let go she would topple back onto the floor.

“ _Clarke_ !” The same voice said, getting into her face and checking her over for injuries. _It’s Raven,_ her brain belatedly supplied. “What happened? Where’s Bellamy? We’ve been waiting for an hour, we were about to go back through to rescue you guys!”

Her fragile emotional state finally cracked and she broke down sobbing, Raven catching her in a hug. “Clarke?” 

From her view over Raven’s shoulder, she watched as the Anomaly shrunk, finally swirling into nothing. Her sobs caught in her throat and she buried her head in Raven’s shoulder.

It could’ve been seconds or hours before she willed herself to stop crying and pulled herself away from Raven, but hell if she knew. Raven’s own words were the only other thought in her head besides Bellamy - _Clarke Griffin doesn’t break_. She sniffed and wiped away the tears still spilling over her face. _Clarke Griffin is just like everyone else._

“What happened?” Niylah asked, gently, as if she was afraid that Clarke would shatter again. Then, she spoke the question everyone else was thinking: “Where’s Bellamy?”

“He—” She cleared her throat— “He stayed behind. He shoved me through the Anomaly to save my life.”

“Why?” It was Levitt, this time. She laughed, but it was watery and weak.

“Hell if I know."

“Clarke, I didn’t—” She held up a hand to stop him.

“Yeah. I know.” After her words, an expectant silence hung in the cave. “Cadogan made it to the door before we got through the portal. He opened it, and neither of us could leave without the other getting shot. I tried to make a deal with Cadogan that he would let Bellamy leave and leave Sanctum alone, but he decided to be the self-sacrificing idiot he is and shoved me through the portal before Cadogan could do anything. And now here I am, and Bellamy’s still on Bardo. Given that the bomb was supposed to go off once the Anomaly closed, he’s probably dead, and—” Her voice cracked and she looked down at where she was wringing her hands— “and it’s my fault.” She looked up at Echo. “I’m sorry, Echo.”

Echo started walking over to her slowly, and she squeezed her eyes shut, bracing for angry words or a thrown fist. Instead, she flinched when she felt warm arms wrapped around her. When she opened her eyes, she saw Echo staring straight into her eyes. “It’s not your fault, Clarke. Bellamy makes his own choices.” Echo closed her eyes, pushing out a few tears of her own. “ _Made_. But you can’t blame yourself. He would hate that.”

 _He would,_ she thought. She could imagine his face, soft with emotion, and his words, _You’re forgiven, Princess._

“Thank you,” She whispered, her voice broken.

“Clarke,” Gabriel said gently (it seemed like everyone thought she was going to break if they spoke too loud), “I’m sorry, but we have to leave now if we want to get back to Sanctum before it gets too dark.”

She pulled herself away from Echo’s embrace and rubbed the new tears away from her face.

Unbidden, another one of Bellamy’s sayings floated up to the forefront of her brain. 

_You still have hope? She asked him, once._

_We still breathing? He responded, his trademark smirk on his face._

A newfound hope blossomed in her chest, pulsing with the rhythms of her breaths. _I’m still breathing, Bell,_ she thought.

“I’m staying here,” she said, mostly to herself at first. 

“What?” Raven stopped making her way towards the ladder and spun around to face her.

“I said, I’m staying here,” she said, a little louder.

“ _Why_?” It was only her and Raven in the cave now. She didn't say anything, just looked at her with a determined (tear-filled) look. “Clarke—” 

She stopped her before she could go any farther. “We don't _know_ he’s dead. I need to stay here, in case he comes back.”

Raven’s face was full of pity or sadness, she couldn’t really tell which one. “There’s nowhere else he could be. As soon as the Anomaly closed, it blew up, Clarke. He’s dead.”

Those two words felt like a physical blow. All logic said that Bellamy was dead. And she was supposed to be the logical one, right? She was the Head, Bellamy was the Heart. But she couldn’t shake the warm glow of hope in her center, the small flame that defied all logic. And maybe it made sense; Her actions since Praimfaya had been more driven by her Heart than her Head. And since Praimfaya, Bellamy seemed like he was using his Head more than his Heart, so maybe this was fitting. “I’m not leaving, Raven. You can go back to Sanctum, but I’m staying here.”

Something dawned on Raven’s face, and she couldn’t exactly tell what. Some understanding and pity, maybe, and something else she couldn’t quite place. “Okay.” That was it. She didn’t say anything else, just walked over to her, gave her a hug, and started climbing the ladder before she paused and looked back at Clarke one more time. “Bring him home to us, yeah?”

She nodded. “I will.”

Once the last of Raven disappeared from her view, she slumped down against the wall, her head between her knees and in her hands. She was well and truly alone now.

[|87~[|87~[|87~[|87~[|87

It was night when she finally realized that she had absolutely no plan. Well, she couldn’t really tell if it was night or not, being in a cave, but it had gotten cooler, the rock around her cold to the touch.

 _Just you and a cave, no food or water or warmth, waiting for someone who’s probably dead,_ the pessimistic part of her brain pointed out. She shook her head to get rid of the thought, but it was more persistent than usual.

“I’m still breathing,” she muttered. _Well, you really have gone insane, haven’t you?_ “I’m still breathing, _I’m still breathing._ ” It was her mantra now, the one thing that was keeping her from completely breaking down.

Somehow, she managed to lull herself to sleep, the floating Anomaly Stone her only companion. 

Her dreams were choppy, but they were full of the friends she made and lost, people she loved who just disappeared from her life, the people she had killed. Vaguely, she could feel the shockingly cold stone pressed against her skin, but she was too lost in her dreams to care.

“ _Clarke_ ,” a voice wafted through her dreams, familiar yet distant at the same time.

“ _Clarke_ ,” the voice said again, this time more insistent. She barely stirred. _Leave me alone_ , she thought. Why couldn’t this voice just let her sleep?

“ _I’m not leaving you_.” Either the voice was telepathic, or she had said that last thought out loud. Even in her half-conscious state, her brain agreed that it was probably the latter. The voice was getting louder, and more and more familiar every time.

Her body jerked suddenly, and she realized that her mystery voice in the cave was jostling her awake. She cracked open her eyes to a blurry face in the center of her vision. All she could see was a blur of tan skin and a mop of dark hair. “Welcome back to the land of the living, Griffin,” the voice said again, this time with a snarky tone that was painfully recognizable. With a jolt, she rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands, chasing the blurriness away. 

_Bellamy Blake was standing in front of her._ Bellamy goddamn Blake, the person she was simultaneously still holding out hope for and mourning. 

And then her mouth finally caught up with her brain. “Bellamy!” She exclaimed, scrambling to her feet - or at least, attempting to. Her still half-asleep limbs didn’t get the memo, and she ended up tripping over her own feet when Bellamy grabbed her and helped her to her feet. As soon as she was steady on her feet, she practically leaped at him, nearly knocking him over in the process. “You’re alive!”

She felt him pull her closer and laugh disbelievingly. “Miss me much, Princess?”

“I thought you were _dead_.” She hoped he didn’t notice her voice crack on the last word, or how her eyes began to fill with tears. _Did that mean that their plan didn’t work?_ She pulled back and looked at him dead in the eyes. She looked at him, really looked at him, for the first time since he came through the portal. It was definitely her Bellamy, she would know his face anywhere. But his hair was a little longer, matted and greasy instead of his normal curls; a small beard was beginning to grow on his face - nowhere near as long as his beard from Etherea, but it had definitely been a few days at least for him since she saw him last. 

“Where have you been?” Almost subconsciously, she cupped his face in her hands. “Did the bomb not work?”

He smiled softly at her, that smile of his that made her feel like she was the most important person in the world at that moment. She’d almost forgotten what that smile looked like, it’d been so long since it was directed at her. _Not since Praimfaya._ “Cadogan was _livid_ when I pushed you through the portal. The Disciples were confused - at least, I think. Couldn’t exactly see past those helmets.” He laughed softly at his own bad joke, and she did, too, because _holy shit she thought she’d lost him_. “Cadogan was too pissed to give orders and the Disciples didn’t know what to do with an act of their so-called ‘selfish’ love, so I dove into the Anomaly as it was closing.” 

Her brain froze up at the word _love_. She knew she loved him, she’d known for years. Maybe he knew she did, too, after watching her memories in M-Cap. But it never occurred to her that he could love her back. As a close friend, of course, or a family member, maybe. But romantic love? She was almost scared to hope.

“I don’t know for sure if the bomb went off or not, but it started beeping when the portal started to close, and I trust Raven. I’ve never seen a bomb of hers that failed.

“Anyway, when the Anomaly spit me out, I was in the Pit.” Her breath caught in her throat. _The_ _Pit?_

“ _What_?”

He just looked at her and shrugged, like he knew exactly what she was thinking. Which, given that it was Bellamy, was pretty likely. “Levitt passed me his weird Disciple glasses before he went through, and they led me straight to the Stone in the bunker. Cadogan had buried it under cement, and it took me a whole _week_ to dig it out. When I finally dug the thing out, I entered the code for Sanctum, and now here I am.”

Neither of them said anything for a second. She was just looking at him, thankful as all hell that he was _alive_. She’d lost him _three_ times in as many days, and she wanted to just pull him close and kiss him, make him promise to never leave her again. But that was never going to happen because probably didn’t even care about her that way. Breaking their silence, she pulled him in for another hug.

Instead of pulling her in for a hug, he pulled her closer until their faces were just touching, and left a chaste kiss on her lips, and her brain short-circuited. _Bellamy kissed me._ Before her brain could catch up with her mouth, he pulled away from her slightly.

“That— That was a mistake, I’m sorry,” he said, his voice so quiet she wouldn’t have been able to hear him if they hadn’t just kissed. Her heart dropped from her throat and an irrational wave of anger took its place.

“I’m really glad you’re not dead, Bellamy.” Without even meaning to, a sharp bite coloured her words. “But I’m not looking to be one of your ‘mistakes’.” She spun around and started working her way up the ladder; it was the only thing she could do to not yell at him. He had seen her memories, even the one where she told him she loved him. 

_God_ , she was pissed. If she was any less of a logical person, her fist would already be through the wall of Gabriel’s hut. She had caught a glance at his face before she stormed up the ladder, though. He’d looked like she just told him that she kicked puppies for fun or something. She shook her head to get his face out of her brain and started walking back towards Sanctum. _I really jumped into this with no plan, huh?_ She thought bitterly. She was about to start heading out towards Sanctum when Bellamy grabbed her shoulder.

“Clarke!” He exclaimed. “Hold on for a second.”

She took a shuddering breath in and out. “What?”

He grabbed her arm and spun her around and towards him, pulling her in for another kiss - a real one, this time. She leaned in and kissed him back, all of her anger melting away. They just stood there for a while, in the middle of the forest, nobody around there but them. When he finally pulled away, she chased after him a little bit, already missing his warmth next to her.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, “for being an idiot, earlier. I was just scared that you don’t like me that way back.”

“This is why I’m the brains of this operation,” she laughed. “You saw my memories; including the one where I told you I love you over a radio, yet you didn’t think I liked you ‘that way’ back.”

The small smile on his face grew a little bit more, and his eyes were full of wonder. “You love me?”

“Oh, you were right. You _are_ an idiot,” she said lightheartedly, giving him a light shove.

His trademark wide grin was back. “But you love me.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“And I love you, too.” 

She couldn’t help grinning back at him now. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

She pulled him in for another kiss, soft and sweet, letting herself fill it with all of the love that she had been holding all those years. She was the one to pull away this time, and when she did, Bellamy held out his hand to her.

“My lady?” He said with a teasing note in his voice, and she took his hand. And there they walked, Bellamy and Clarke, hand in hand, back to Sanctum and their friends.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y'all liked it!! (if you did maybe leave some kudos or a comment?) Thanks for reading!!


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